how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
