I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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