remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
