you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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