all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
