Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
