I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
