Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
