you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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