I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
