oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
