Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After tacos, we're chasing women.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
please don't ironically join a cult
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