we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
