Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
