dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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