I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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