the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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