I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Less talking, more tequila
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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