Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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