I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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