im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she looked like the before picture.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
