this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
