Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
