I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
