wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
