her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
