I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
