no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
