His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
