dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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