I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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