I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i want to swaddle you in tequila
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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