this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
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Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
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I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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