Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
