i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
