As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
