my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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