I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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