Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
