i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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