Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
