No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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