Got a toothbrush?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
