My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
