did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize