Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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