Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
