I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
