miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
