I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
