I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
