do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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