i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
