Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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