my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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