I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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