marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
