We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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