Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize