I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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