Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
