at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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